Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
