Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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