What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
