I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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