When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
