you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
where does the pee come out of this thing
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
