I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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