from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
