At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
