it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I have already put on my inside pants.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
