now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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