That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
