She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Randomize
