I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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