quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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