i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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