I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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