I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
