what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
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