This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
