you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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