i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
He's on the porch naked. Help.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
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