I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
