I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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