I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
