Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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