My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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