I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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