I'm so fucking centered right now
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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