Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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