How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Randomize
