4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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