So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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