so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
