oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
