I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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