I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
