Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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