drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
