i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
