I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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