i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
