Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Randomize
