i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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