Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
