The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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