Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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