could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
