her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
dude i'm inner monologue high
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
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