The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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